So, I was out with a group recently. The day was lovely, the group was majority white (this IS Nova Scotia after all), but there was a good mix of POCs as well. The day wound down and we were gathered chatting when out of the blue, one white person told a story of a time when someone they knew said something racist. I won’t go into details, but the story was uncomfortable to say the least.
White folk,
PLEASE STOP casually bringing up racism!
Stop
casually asking the POC you know “Have you ever experienced racism?”
Stop
telling the POC you know about how you used to be racist or said racist things.
It’s great that you are on a journey and have improved, but we don’t need to
know and frankly don’t want to hear that shit.
Stop
casually bringing up stories of that time you or someone you know experienced
racism or prejudice.
Stop casually
sharing what your racist friend/family member/co-worker/person down the street said
or did.
Stop telling us about your racist friend/significant other/family member/co-worker and expecting us to want to interact with them or overlook that aspect of them to make YOU feel comfortable.
Just Stop!
When you’re
in a group, take note of your audience. Are POCs present (now, this can be difficult because some POCs are 'invisible', meaning to your eye they may 'look white')? Then you can bet they
have had many instances of racism, big and small. These “casual” stories
you are bringing up – to your friend, to your family, at work, at a party, in a
group setting or even one on one can be deeply upsetting and stir up a lot
of trauma.
Personally,
I have experienced thousands – yes thousands – of incidents of racism
great and small, casual and downright venomous. And as long as I am breathing,
I will continue to experience racism. As you can imagine, there is deep trauma
there. As you can imagine, the topic simply cannot be casual for me, nor is it
for other POCs.
Here’s the
thing; white people get to speak about racism casually because – generally speaking
– they aren’t impacted deeply by it. They can go from talking about the
weather, to racism, to getting the groceries. Racism is a theoretical concept
for many of them…a philosophical conversation.
It is not a
theoretical concept for People of Colour. It’s. Our. Life.
People of
Colour are battling to simply exist in a white world that is rooted in
systematic racism. Racism and stereotyping? For us, we’ve been though hell and
back over these things. We’ve watched people we love get sick and die over
these things. We’ve spent many nights unable to sleep worried that our friends
and family would even make it home safe. We’ve seen our communities, our
families, even ourselves torn apart by these things.
For us?
Racism. Is. War.
The thing
is, when white folk bring up racism in a well meaning but casual way, what is
being demanded of us is severe emotional vulnerability.
When you
ask “did you experience…” what’s really being asked of us is for us to share
deeply traumatic instances that have happened in our lives and risk punishment
in the form of dismissal, denial, being debated with or told “it wasn’t that
bad” (aka we are lying). This is an intimate, deeply vulnerable conversation
similar to asking a person if they’ve ever been raped.
When you
ask stuff like “What are you?” or “Where do you come from?” or “Do Black people
say this?” or “Do Black people have a term for that” or “Do Black people do
this?” you are Othering us. And we get it, we are different than you. We’re
cool with that. But maybe we don’t want to be put on the spot and Othered a that
particular point in time.
When you
bring up racist things you used to say or do, or that your
friends/family/co-workers etc. used to say or do, you are using us as emotional
dumping grounds. We can’t offer you absolution – nor do we want to. Your story
doesn’t help us in any way – other than to know that you used to be racist, which
you most assuredly will get defensive about if we point that out.
When you
casually bring up the one time you experienced racism, or heard someone say/do
racist things – you are not relating to us. Not only is it insulting to try to
be relatable with your handful of stories to someone who has experienced racism
on a daily basis, you are stirring up deep trauma within that person’s soul.
When you tell us about your racist friend/significant other/family member/co-worker, and then expect us to hang out with them or interact with them, you are sending a clear message that not only are you okay with racism, you don't give a fuck about how we feel or the impact this will have on us. Yes, I get it, for you their racism is just one part of their personality...one that you easily overlook. For us? It's a deal breaker, and frankly, if you were really a friend you wouldn't callously expect anyone to overlook this. Have you ever considered that racism...which INCLUDES being around people who engage in racist behavior...is severely stressful and traumatizing to a POC? What you are really asking a POC to do when you expect us to interact with racists in your life is endure a highly stressful situation where WE, not YOU, are on pins and needles in fight or flight mode, having to be on alert for if or when something racist will be said or done. Frankly? If you were a true friend you would never dream of asking this of the POC.
Not only is
insensitive to do these things to a POC, it’s cruel. In doing these things,
white people become part of the problem of compounding racial trauma, no matter
how well meaning they may feel.
And also –
have you ever considered that sometimes a POC just can’t or doesn’t want to “go
there” at that particular time, even if they did so before? Maybe we’re tired
(exhausted!), maybe something happened a few days ago that you don’t know about
and we are wrestling with it, maybe on that day, at that time, we just don’t
fucking wanna.
And sure, a
POC could say back off, but chances are you caught us off guard and we just don’t
want to deal with the stress and drama of having to tell you to keep that shit
to yourself, or explain why we don’t want to go there right now.
“But Brown
Canadian Woman, you said the key to going forward is open communication. What
gives?”
I still
believe that, but you have to approach this communication with compassion. Don't forget, you are engaging with someone who has and continues to experience deep trauma.
Now, look, personally
I usually don’t mind discussing race – but not in a cavalier way. Not in a group
of white people and never with white people who have been dismissive or engaged
in passive racism before and haven’t acknowledged their mistake and started
showing signs of change.
So, ask!
Ask every time you want to ask a question or share a story or bring something
up regarding racism. For God sake, ask! And let me be clear, don't ask in a group or with others around and put the POC on the spot! If you're going to ignore my 'never in a group' advice (which I STRONGLY urge you NOT to do!) , at least pull the person aside and ask one on one.
A perfect
example – I know a white person who has learned to be an effective ally. They
wanted to share a story of something idiotic and racist (and frankly, hilarious) a
family member said to them.
1. We were speaking one on one.
2. There was already an established
trust between us that discussing racism was safe. I knew they wouldn’t dismiss
or “debate” my POV or comments if I chose to share.
3. They asked first if they could share the story of
the dumbass racist thing they heard. They waited for me to say yes. Only
then did they share.
I
infinitely appreciated being alerted to the fact that a potentially triggering
story was about to be shared.
I infinitely
appreciated being asked!
I infinitely
appreciated being given the opportunity to say no.
But most important?
I infinitely appreciated that they were aware of the impact such a conversation
may have had on me, and cared enough to pause and prepare me for the topic
ahead.
So, to
summarize:
-Don’t
bring up racism out of the blue or in a casual way.
-Don’t
bring up racism in a group or crowd, gathering, party… Ever. Just…don’t. OK, I
get it, you know everyone there and think they’re cool and it’s a safe space and
all, but does the POC? Does the POC even want to go there at that time? Don’t
forget, what is ultimately being demanded of here is extreme emotional vulnerability
from the POC, NOT you. What is likely to happen is the POC will be stressed
out and triggered, NOT you.
-Don’t tell
stories of how you used to be racist or said racist things.
-Don’t
share stories of when you witnessed racism but did nothing.
-Don’t assume
because you’ve spoken about this with other POCs or feel knowledgeable about
the topic, that that particular POC at that particular time will welcome
speaking with you on racism. Hell, don’t even assume that if you spoke with
THAT POC before about racism they will welcome you bringing up racism out of
the blue at any given time. These topics are emotional labour for us and
sometimes we just don’t want to or can’t muster up the energy or desire.
-Don’t
assume that because a POC didn’t tell you you crossed a line, everything is
okay.
-Don’t
assume the story you shared was welcome.
-Make sure
the person you are speaking to trusts you enough to have this conversation or
hear this story. If speaking about these issues is new territory between you
and someone, you can always explain that you have a question or wish to share
something regarding racism and would the POC mind if you did. Give them the
opportunity and frankly the dignity to say no if they so choose.
-Finally,
BEFORE bringing something up, ASK! And wait for us to say yes or no. Every time. Ask and say “please feel free to
put your hand up and stop this conversation or call me out if I step out of
line or you’ve simply had enough.”
Ask. And if a POC then opens up and
starts sharing with you? Stop talking and Listen.
